It was Twenty Years Ago Today.....

  It Was Twenty Years Ago Today......

My father died twenty years ago this week. He was in the hospital with a quarter-sized cancer on his lung. We were hoping for a successful chemotherapy treatment, but he had a heart attack before it could begin. So what got him was a combination of  Kent cigarettes and his own hyper-tense personality. He was 62.

I'll never forget how I got the news. My new wife Gigi and I were moving from an apartment to a house we were building. She was pregnant with our second child Ally. Landon our first, was not yet two.

We didn't have that much furniture, so I was doing the move with the help of a guy from a day labor pool.  His name was Dave.

He was stocky, with a 2-day growth, and a mottled complexion that made his face looked bruised. His hair was mid-ear with a shock that drooped over his forehead. He looked around 55, but was probably 40. Dave said he lived in the men's shelter. He complained that the food was fatty or full of sugar.

"They give you anything that's donated. We get a lot of supermarket cakes. They figure it fills us up."

As I was loading our couch onto the back of the truck, Gigi ran up. She was in tears.

"Your father just died! I am so sorry!" And she held me.

I just stood there.

After about a minute or so, I looked at Dave through my tears. This guy was a drunk. Probably a bad one. He was fighting his disease every day. Living on the streets or in a shelter if he stayed sober. I am sure the 50 bucks or whatever I was going to pay him meant a lot, but he looked at me and said, "I understand if you need to not work right now."

I looked at him again.

"No, let's finish." Gigi got into gear preparing to go to comfort my mother, and to be with my brother and sister.

Dave and I drove to the new house in silence for about ten minutes, then he asked, "What did your daddy die of?"

"Cancer from cigarettes. And probably stress," I answered.

Dave nodded. He kept his Kools in his pocket for the rest of the move.

I learned later my father's heavy drinking made the poison from the cigarettes even more virulent. Alcohol and tobacco combine to kill you even faster. From a health standpoint, the difference between my father and Dave was just a matter of degree.

My father was not an easy person to relate to. You couldn't tell him anything. I guess he figured if the Nazis couldn't kill him, neither could Lorillard or R.J. Reynolds. He was wrong.

I miss him though. For years later, every so often I would have a question about a plumbing problem, or a banking mystery, and I would reach for the phone, only to realize he was not there. All old habits are hard to break.

I am sometimes mad at him. He never met Ally, or John. Never saw my first house, or heard me with Sheri, or left my mother with any insurance. We all missed out on a lot. I am very thankful to have had such a wonderful radio career. It has made our lives better.

About a year after he died I was picking up some dinner at a restaurant in Charlotte called Alexander Michaels. While waiting in the bar, I had a beer. A woman I used to work with saw me and came over to ask about my daughters.

"They are so much fun," I replied smiling, as I lit the cigarette between my lips and inhaled the poison.

She stared at me for a moment and said, "Don't you want to see them graduate high school?"

That was the last cigarette I ever smoked. Twenty years ago, next year.

Comments

[Cris]

How true, Bob. My father died at 62 of smoking related illness just a couple of years before your father did. He smoked and drank and while the alcohol may have lessened the quality of his life, it was the tobacco that shortened it. I've always been able to avoid excesses with the bottle and I thank God every day that I am not enslaved to it, but for some strange reason, I have started smoking just because some of my friends do, I keep asking myself if I'm crazy.

[Amy Unger]

That is one of the most powerful testimonies I have ever read.

[Amy Unger]

That is one of the most powerful testimonies I have ever read.

[nancy]

Bob, that was written really well. It made me think of my dad and how I miss him as well. You and Sheri talk alot of her books, I'm sure you've got one in you one day too. I listen to you on podcast only, I live in Wales. Right now I'm about 10 days behind. But I walk my 2 dogs alot and never leave home without you. Thanks for the laughs. Nancy (bob, I'm a first-time blogger) :-))

[Jen Meklenburg]

I heard about your blog from one of the pod-casts I listened to, today. I had to read it, for my father died 7 years ago, this month, also from cigarettes. Emphysema is what got him. He smoked and drank, as did my mother. The day he was diagnosed, he stopped...but my mom didn't. She smoked in front of him for years; they didn't have a great marriage. My sister and I flew home to see him. We saw him the day we got home. He made fun of us crying just to try to make us laugh. I made joke, and he laughed at that. He was so frail and he wouldn't eat and could barely drink. The next morning, my mom came out of the bedroom and shut off my dads oxygen tank. We shot out of bed and asked why she shut it off. All she said was "daddy's gone". I'll remember those words as long as I live. And I'll never forget how my dad waited for us to come home...and how he made us laugh. I'm very glad you gave up cigarettes it'll help you be around for your kids for a very long time. And I'm glad you posted your story. Didn't know you and I had this in common...that's cool.

[TRICIA]

HI BOB- I DON'Y KNOW IF YOU AND SHERI EVER READ THE COMMENTS ON YOUR BLOG, BUT EVEN IF YOU DON'T I THINK IT WILL HELP ME TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST. MAYBE IT WILL HELP SOMEONE ELSE- WHO KNOWS? I AM THE PRODUCT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE, THE YOUNGEST OF 3, AND HANDS DOWN, MY DADS FAVORITE. HE WILL GO INTO DOUBLE BYPASS HEART SURGERY ON FEB. 1. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, WE HAVE NOT ALWAYS SEEN EYE TO EYE- PART OF THAT IS BECAUSE WE ARE EXACTLY ALIKE. WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REBUILD OUR "ROUGH" RELATIONSHIP FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS NOW. MY FATHER'S SURGERY HAS CHANGED MY VIEW ON EVERYTHING. THE THOUGHT OF LOSING HIM AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE CRUSHES ME. HE TOLD ME A STORY A LONG TIME AGO ABOUT WHEN HE WAS IN THE COAST GUARD DURING THE KOREAN WAR. HIS COMMANDING OFFICER MADE HIM AND ALL OF HIS SHIPMATES WRITE THEIR OWN OBITUARIES. HE SAID THAT WHEN HE DID THAT, THE MEANING OF LIVING ON THIS EARTH CHANGED FOR HIM. LIFE IS FINITE. EVERY MOMENT IS PRECIOUS. MY POINT, I GUESS IS THAT EVERY MOMENT REALLY IS PRECIOUS- PEOPLE THAT WE THINK ARE INVINCIBLE WILL BE GONE BEFORE WE CAN BLINK. OUR HEROES WILL LEAVE US BEFORE WE EVER LEARN ALL THE LESSONS THEY HAVE TO TEACH US. THE ONES WE LOVE WILL BE GONE. WHAT I WILL DO IS TO TELL MY DAD THAT I LOVE HIM, AND TELL MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES THAT I LOVE THEM- EVERYTIME I SEE THEM. THANKS FOR THE VENT...

[Heaven Leigh Wright]

I lost my pops June 26 2006. I can relate to you when you say you sometimes expect him to be here. I graduate this year and wish more than anything that he could be here. I remember him crying at my 8th grade graduation, he was a very masculine man and so he walked away so as not to be seen. But I knew his eyes were filled with his pride in me.
I find myself smiling when I do or say something he would have teased me about. I still have his memory, and through that, I know that he remains with me. Times when I feel like he's still alive, I am filled with joy, because I know that he is fresh in my heart and as long as I make the mistake that he still lives, he will never leave me. I worry about forgetting my life with him all the time, and I want to thank you for writing this, because I now feel reassured that that will not happen anytime soon. I am 18 now, so I still have a long way to go, but I don't think I will worry about that anymore. Thank you again.

*Heaven Leigh Wright

[Nancy Shorey]

Bob - Thank you for the insight. I lost my mother on 3/21/06 to lung cancer complicated by alchoholism. I still miss her every day and wish she was here. I still pick the phone up to call her and tell her things. I sent your blog to a friend of mine at work who is going to quit. Hope it helps him.

[Donna]

I am A heavy smoker for 20 years. I am 37 now and have seen what smoking can do to a person. I have watched many family members suffer and die because of them. My father being one at 50 years old. I have tried so many times to quit but Im still smoking almost two packs a day. I hate them worst than anything but I love them also. Does that make sense? Maybe one day maybe before its to late, I will have the strenght to quit!!

[Kim LaForge]

Wow I sure love the blog. Both my parents have been smoking since they are 16. I have always begged them to stop, but my father thinks that all the things they say about cigarettes and second hand smoke is a bunch of lies. I am now 39 and have never smoked and never will. I have 2 children ages 8 and 16, and my 8 year old is constantly telling his grand parents the bad things about smoking and to please quit. You would think that having a small child beg you to stop would, but it has not. I hope that some day somehow they will quit to see all their grandchildren graduate high school and beyond. I found your blog very inspiring and I commend you for quitting.

[jake]

im not sure how feel about God and stuff, but what ive learned from Bible school is that God has plan. he works in many ways and uses many things to show us what is important. men and women are diffrent in many ways as life would show you, but one thing I think that really is the downfall of alot of men is stubborness and pride. I never want to the guy who gets older and has a list of regrets that could have been avoided if only i had loved and appreciated what i had be fore i lost it. im sure you have your problems but maybe putting others first isnt one.

[Belinda]

Bob -
What a beautifully written story...that brought tears to my eyes as I sit here thinking of my dad who died when I was 4 from heart complications that would be so simple to fix with today's medical advances, and of my mom who smoked for 30+ years, now in a nursing home, having endured years of bad health and in such bad shape it breaks my heart. And I'm thankful for my husband, who quit smoking the day he proposed to me - he gave us an incredible gift that day, in more ways than one.
I've never smoked, thank God, so I can't truly imagine what it must be like to try to quit - but those of you that do - please give it your all to stop...you have so much more to live for.
Thanks again Bob - and have a wonderful day.
(on a lighter note - I'm so thrilled you & Sheri are back on the air in Oregon!)

[joe cude]

Bob, as stupid as this sounds, I was smoking a cigarette while I was reading your story. I put it out! I am going through a very stressful time in my life and turned to smoking about 5 years ago at the age of 43! I know, it was not very smart. I justified it by saying that it helped with the stress. I have 3 great teenage sons and I do want to see them grow up and be a part of their lives for many years to come, God willing! Your sorry hit home with me, and hopefully I will be strong enough to walk away from smoking for good. Thank you so much for the encouraging letter. I am sorry for your loss, and impressed that you are trying to help others avoid this sad event from happening to them. Be blessed, Joe

[Lesa Boate]

Beautiful story! I listen to you and Sheri every morning. I enjoy hearing about your families. Both of my parents smoke and have as long as I can remember (my father also drinks beer). I smoked for a short period of time but, have quit since I had my daughter. My husband also smokes, I am trying to get him to quit so he can see our daughter grow up. I've been lucky thus far that I haven't lost anyone from smoking yet! Hopefully someday my parents and my husband will think of someone else besides theirselves.

[Lori]

What a touching post, Bob. I lost my father to lung cancer ten years ago. Three packs a day of non filter Pall Malls took my father at age 51. When he was sick, he was sitting outside and there were squirrels sitting there in the yard and he told us he was going to come back as a squirrel and keep an eye on us. Do you realize how many times a day you see a squirrel?? He's keeping a better eye on me now than he ever did when he was alive! haha!

My best to you and yours.

[shannon]

bob im only 13 years old and never really thought weather or not i would smoke or not when I'm legally able but now that i read the story about your da im totally and completely sure i never will my grandfather has lung problems and had to have surgery thank god he's ok i listen to your show every morning and think you're the best thanks for the inspiration

[paul]

Great, Bob! My Dad died almost the same way, at 63. You couldn't tell him anything either. My brother and I always wondered how such an intelligent man could be dumb enough to kill himself smoking. Anyhow, want you to know you helped me pass a lot of nights at the power plant with "Lacey Listens" back in the '70s. We've never touched cigarettes because of our Dad, so congrats and many more years of health and happiness to you!

[Amie]

Bob,
I know how hard it is to stop smoking.. I am 29 and I had smoked since I was 14. I smoked for half of my life.. I want to share my story with you..Maybe this can help too..
When I was 26, I was walking through my local shopping center with my kids. I rounded a corner and felt this breath taking pain in the center of my chest. I thought I was having a heart attack.
I called my father in law who was an EMT. He said to go the hospital.. I had two small kids, so I did not want to scare them.. I did not go. I went to bed with this chest pain. I got up and went to work the next day. I called my doctor to see what he thought I should do. He ordered a chest x-ray and an MRI. I was diagnosed with a collapsed lung. Spontenous Pnumothorax.
This is most often found in tall thin males, but found its way to me.26 years old..

So stupid me, I never stopped smoking.. I was stubborn as all get out and could not tell myself how much I was hurting my own body.I suffered my next collapse at the age of 28. I was lifting a five gallon jug on a crock stand and felt it let loose. I knew instantly what happened. I called my pulmonologist and asked to be seen. With yet another chest x-ray, it was confirmed.. I had a serious problem. My lung would continue to collapse if I kept smoking.

I went to a surgeon in Columbus, Ohio. He had me in tears from the minute I met him.. Do you know what he said to get me to stop?
He said "What would you do if someone was hurting your kids?" I naturally said I would hurt them.. He looked me square in the eyes and said "What do you think you are doing?"
My heart ached. I knew what I had to do..
I had surgery July 31st 2007 to attach my lung to my chest wall.. I was 28. I took my life back.. I am still doing good without the cigarettes.. I miss smoking, but I don't miss smelling like an ash tray.
I am making sure my kids dont smoke..
I dont know if this will do any good or not, but maybe if it helps one person, I did ok..
Thank you for listening to my story.

[Corrie]

Hi Bob,
First off even though its been 20 years, my deepest sympathy on your loss. I would like to tell you that I also lost my father 12 years ago..last week. When you said old habits are hard to break, you very much rang true. I also get upset and wish my father could see my accomplishments he never had any sons, just 3 girls..i was his 'side-kick' although if you ask any of the three daughters..i'm sure we all felt we were his "special one" He never got to meet my husband, never got to see that i did do things i would have never dreamed of doing. All those times he told me "not to mess with the campfire"..little did he know his baby girl would be a volunteer firefighter or work along side the forestry (his first profession) or that his baby girl would be the one that had to step into his shoes and be Mom's shoulder and protector. He was a smoker and had heart disease, but he couldnt shake the habit oh he did try and succeeded now and then, but always went back to it, but then again I know just how hard that habit is to break.
You and Sheri have become a morning ritual for me, yes like all of your other listeners...maybe someday i'll gain the courage to call in and speak to you both!!
Thank you again for sharing your story about your dad, i hope it helps you to know that other people see similarities in their own story, when they read yours!! Have a great day!!

[Lea]

Bob,

I just got a chance to read your blog and you are an excellent writter. I really enjoyed reading your blog and the responces of all of my fellow posters. All of the stories are very moving. Keep up the amazing job :-)

[Karen]

Your story bringe back memories.I have been quit 21 yrs. this April.My father died in 1991 from lung cancer.A smoker and drinker too. I know how yoy feel.

[Nevis]

Congrats, Bob. What a beautiful writer you, as well. As I read it, I could hear you reading it aloud to me in my head, you know? Nevertheless, my fiance's mother is dying right now of lung cancer and my fiance just stopped smoking. We appreciate your words. And post more often! :P

[Lynne]

My Dearst Bob,
My mother was given her first cigarette at 17 by the family doctor when her father was dying. The doctor was smoking one himself and assured her that they were perfectly aafe. 40 years later her love affair with Salems finally caught up with her.
After our mother's death my sister wanted to sue the tobaccco company so she could financially profit further. I told her that I didn't know about her, but I didn't want a penny of their blood tainted money. It was our mother's own stupidity and arrogance that caused her death, not the tobacco executives holding a gun to her head and making her smoke.

[A Week In The Life of A Redhead]

Hmmmm ... my own father died of esophageal cancer when I was 18 - he was just 48. He smoked and drank too. Your story reminds me so much of the day my own father died. I don't think it is something we ever really "get over", we just adjust to "what is" and move on. This is one of my favorite postings of yours so far ... so open ... so vulnerable. Thank you for helping me laugh every morning. You and Sheri are the best...
Catherine, the redhead

[Jessica]

Wow, that was such a powerful story. I cried from half way to the end. It is amazing how we all have certain buttons, if pressed, can change our lives forever. I love both you and Sheri and feel like I know you because I spend every morning with you in my car and online when I get to work.

Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it will be an inspiration to many.